I am back,
DO You know what is the exact meaning of loneliness ??
Each day passes leaving its marks in the blank memory where it resides , but day after the memory piles up and the old one which is not necessary and which we never bother to remember again gradually disappears , this is a normal thing .
But when someone is lonely he unable to find a suitable memory which can quench his thirst , which can bring a smile .. He just goes on one memory to another one .
This is not me . I never feel lonely , but alone . To be alone is completely different thing , I don't like to be get disturbed in the middle of my journeys of memories .
The innocence you get is ultimate which holds me in the memory , if I start to type all these things, the night will passed and you will filled up with thoughts of past. So leave it .
I am frightened of me and of my thinking , its becoming messy each passing day , what I wanted and what I does is complete different things , Sometimes I feel like I should consult to a psychiatrist but I stops myself why ? just as I said what I wants and What I am doing is opposite to each other ,
I am afraid to holds the memories , in fact piles of memories , I want to throw it somewhere . May be here , and start Reading , Can you believe I don't like songs and movies now . Sitting idly in front of TV or Laptop makes me feel guilty .. I don't know what exact the guilt is but I am .. Because this is not that thing which I love which I want to do .. even facebook, whatsapp making me sick .. tired .
I want to read , read a tons of books , I love every book , No matter what subject or story it covers .
So from now lets what happens I will do what my heart says .
And it says to Love you , Even Knowing the fact that it means nothing to love someone who has not live , who is just a typing pad where I can put my words . But I would love you , because I need you to know me to know my feelings without judging me , Who I am and What I deserves .
You know that incident when I encountered a conversation where you said me a Looser , that moment was the real life changing , it was like a bomb which exploded in my heart . I was devastated , cried whole night . It compelled me to think what is world and how it works , before that you were my srishty which was crafted and formed by me .
But hearing the word looser for me forced me to think where I was wrong , it closed my door , the door through which I could have move on .
Several times I thought to make it wrong , to proof you wrong but each passing day your word is haunting me like nothing else , I makes me feel that you were Right I am a LOOSER .
A Looser is a person who loses everything , I lost you I lost my self and I think I have nothing more to loose . I am unable to do what is needed to be done or what i like to do , not because I haven't time or I am unable to do that . But because my inner soul had already accepted that defeat , It is not in mood of fight , not in mood to challenge you ....
I love you so much that forget the world I would fight with myself from now , I would do everything which My heart don't want to .. You used to say that I use the phrase I love you very often even without loving you , I never remember you , I forgets you , never messaged you and many things .
What is say to love someone is like a unending war ,the war with self , the war for your supremacy in my inner conscience . I would do it ...
And definitely I would post here the ongoing war status , data and may be presentation .... ok miss ppt :p ............( the first day I come in your contact remember ,, you were reading some PPT's and I was like who the hell made ppt for you just night before the examination )